A brief tour of some Mongolian music videos

To begin, I should point out that Mongolians exhibit a great amount of love and respect for their mothers. Eej births you, Eej makes your boiled tea, Baby Camel cries golden tears for Camel Eej who never comes home. As a result, in any time of great agitation, where an English speaker might cry for “my God,” a Mongolian will call for “Eeje”.
Like for example when you’re one of three women dressed in baby costumes, hanging out in a shack, gyrating on a bound and blindfolded man.
“Eeje!!!”

Not only is this video great because it is about Naadam, the most fun and least socially stressful of all Mongolian holidays, but because of the G.D. costumes. Check out them furs! This only serves to strengthen my intentions of buying multiple sets of dog hair shorts and shoulder pads to sport upon my return to the US. I don’t know about those zebra stripes though. Step it up, Nara.

For balance, a song about the most socially stressful Mongolian holiday.

Let’s use this video to meditate on the particular hotness possessed by Mongolian men. Mean eyebrows! Pointy snarly teeth! Futuristic silvery Chinggis Khan vest! Ignore the fur coat parts, and Amraa. Shoo, Amraa! Take your mismatched lipstick and dye job right up on out of here.

This video is close to my heart because it is the song my duu (younger sibling) Temujin would listen to when he pooped. No Anemone, no pooping.

Anemone, for the curious, is the end result of the Mongolian “Making the Band.” This one’s about your Mom’s birthday.

This song’s called “Hello, Mom.” Youtube comments include: “nice song” and “really nice song.”

And to be fair, this one’s for Pops. Less production value, more likely to be seen on the UB bus. Just like your Dad.

And that concludes this session of Mongolian Music videos.

The White Month.

2:29 pm, somewhere near the border of the Gobi desert, alone in an apartment without heat, a hungover American woman googles Angelina Jolie’s right leg.

The end of the White Month not only means the beginning the spring, but also the end of being told I am “a good drinker.” Thanks! I AM a good drinker, aren’t I? Three cheers for me!

Tsagaan Sar visits by the numbers:
Families: 17
Buuz (rough estimate): 60
Vodka shots (conservative, non-recreational): 102
Airag glasses (by recommendation of the governor, in lieu of vodka): 6
Take-home candy/phone cards/skin whiteners: Countless

There will certainly come a day when I am no longer rewarded for gluttony. But for now…

(This is probably bad.)

Happy New Year!

chinii biye yaj baina?

My body is doing just terrible, thanks for asking.
(By the by, the only thing worse than my spelling in cyrillic is my spelling in roman from cyrillic. HOW EMBARRASSING.)
So I’m sick, and I’m being a huge goddamn baby about it, as usual. So I’ve been drinking “AXA” (aha!) brand salty-meat broth and shuffling around my apartment in horrible orange slippers feeling sorry for myself, periodically getting urgently dragged out into the cold in order to go to school and sign some paperwork or win a volleyball tournament.
Yes, dear reader, you heard me right: (us right? I’ve been debating whether or not to switch to the editorial “we” for some time now, just to jam that last nail right in the ol’ peer-relatability coffin. I’ll keep you updated.) I said “volleyball tournament.” I don’t need no brag or nothin’, but I am a hell of a lot better at bumpin’ and spikin’ than our Mongolian-obese (which is about equal with American-Penultimate-Episode-of-Biggest-Loser) middle-aged Russian teacher, and I don’t care who knows it. I also give high-fives which just amuses the shit out of everyone.
But where was I going with all this? I think I was going to post clips from Wong Kar Wai movies under the pretense that these are the things I’m watching when I’m sick (and they do sound nice right now, if I had them) when in reality all I’ve been doing is rewatching “Lost.”

Maggie goes up the stairs, Maggie goes down the stairs.

M22 T-shirt Designs: A Retrospective

Or: Please Don’t be Mad at Thanksgiving


“I’m planning on getting this sweet business tattooed on the nape of my neck the second I hit Stateside.”


“I don’t know if you’ve heard of this artist I like. He’s pretty out there. Pretty…avant-garde you might say. Yeah, you probably haven’t heard of him. Don’t worry about it. I said don’t worry about it.”


So this is obviously horrible, but it has a sense of humor about itself, and hey, right there’s a sun wearing sunglasses. God knows I can’t shit on iconography like that. And it was also so obviously made by a dude that somehow it’s charming. I don’t know. At least we’re not in Fiji, guys. Am I right? *wink*


This is actually fantastic. I can’t explain why, but trust, it is.


Hoooooo boy. This. This pretty much sums up everything that is dark and repulsive and evil hiding deep within the rotten hell-meat of the human heart. This makes me want to Early Terminate and never do anything nice for anyone ever again. And are those sailboats floating along the bottom? I don’t care! I don’t care what kind of sailboats or gers or high peaked mountains or weeping angels are sniffing around down there, because this is a hateful, cynical, bullshit piece of t-shirt. You should be ashamed of yourself. BOOOOOOOOOOO!


Sigh. I don’t know. I’m all pooped out after that last one. This is ugly.


I could get behind this one, if I knew where it was going on the t-shirt. And furthermore, who is teaching whom how to Dougie here, hm? These are the questions I want answered before I go any further.


Ok, so there’s a lot going on here. From where I’m standing, there’s that Dr. symbol, and a book with letters falling out of it, and some sort of flesh-crab standing on a Tugrik, and a child holding a great big pizza. Then there’s a dog slowly turning into a horse. Peace Corps! Did I win? MOTHERFUCKER I SAID DID I WIN?


I don’t understand this because I’M NOT FROM MICHIGAN YOU EXCLUSIONARY BASTARDS.



I can live with this.


Why. Why. Why is this happening? WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS, PEOPLE. Can you imagine wearing this in public, in America? Like, out to dinner at an adult restaurant? On an adult date?
“Oh, this is just my Peace Corps Mongolia shirt.”
“…?”
“Mongolia.”
“…?”
“Yes, they require a college degree.”
“….?”
“Mongolia.”
“….?”
Because there is a goddamn P and a C covering each of her eyeballs! Jesus, you don’t understand a single thing about me.”
And there went your wife. Thanks, T-shirt.


This is fine.


This reminds me of the time I had to introduce myself in a speech on the first day of school in front of everyone and a television crew and therefore I don’t like it.

****

Anyway! Thanks for making me glad I didn’t submit a T-shirt design. Now no cranky bitches will be raggin’ on me from the sad and lonely safety of the internet. Goodnight, Mongolia! Goodnight, everyone.

Impressions

Introducing the dark inner workings of the Mongolian 13 year old.
Non Sequiturs ahoy!

“I will study at Harword.
Mongolia is will be 30,000 very much.
The world will be no water.
I love world and Mongolia.”

“I will speak like Jessica.
And Anna Sui makes fragrance. It’s very nice.
Today is!”

“Are you reading Secret? I’m forgot it’s writers.”
(ed: please lord let her not be talking about what I think she’s talking about.)

“Sports and Sportsman.
Sports, it is great.”

“I domesticate a fish.
I have many fish.
But I want domesticate a fish.”

(I have entitled this one, “Also”)
“I love animals. If I was animal, I will eat grass.
Because I can’t eat grass.
Grass is green and bitter but I’m person.
I will eat grass when pigs fly.
So, I don’t like grass, but grass is very nice.
Also, Laugh makes me happy, but Cry makes me sad.”

“My love boy. My love boy name is Amargabat. ❤ He is 15 years old. He is very best boy. So very cute boy. We broke up with after 7 month. We first met. I tried to forget him but I couldn't. I decided to wait for him. I'm still waiting for him…What should I do? Can you give me some advice Jessica please???? THIS IS MY DREAM."

And scene.