I know you.

“You were in the TV. You said many words in Mongolian. So I know you.”

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, my howling red deel and I were on (TOWN NAME REDACTED) local TV, making all kinds of statements and saying all kinds of words in Mongolian. Now people recognize me when I’m out doing important things like carrying horse-in-surf holograms I just bought or loitering near the chaperone’s table at high school/college dances. It makes me feel like Harrison Ford.

O broken language! Hurtling out across space to you and then back through space to me! My language all broken up with your language, clanging around like so much broken glass in a dirty tube sock.
O let’s make out or something.
I’m in the TV.

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Found: The Last New York Notebook

TRANSCRIPT BY JESSICA MADISON
***
PAGE 1

The Family (with thanks to Orion):

-the Indio or Mojave desert
-BATTLE BETWEEN LIGHT AND DARK
-Ted “Bear Jokes” Papa
-Hi welcome to Cuzin’s!
-RIVAL CULTS (scientology building over the ol’ swimmin’ hole, fasting cult)
-“Reverend”–“YOU’RE BREAKING THE RULES!”
-“Aunt Granny”
-ragtag uniforms, sex parties
-two kids born into cult “Fizzle and Pappy”

***
PAGE 2

Scientism
-“But I’m a Scientist!”

***

PAGE 3

An essay (prompt by Paul):

Q:At the beginning of the 21st century, we look back upon the early days of modernism with a nostalgia for its industry, in that it stands as a symbol for something more innocent than the societal processes which have taken its place. In this essay, you are tasked to pair an early invention/system/convention of the 20th century with its contemporary correlate and explain their relevant similarities/differences.

A: TAFFY + FIZZIES = FAFFY + PIZZLES

***

PAGE 4

Meanwhile…

A Treehouse in Brooklyn!
(sponsored by PBS)

(Ed: here I attempt to draw the PBS logo from memory, and it looks like this:

Treehouse into the ecoparadise! PARK SLOPE/BERKELEY BIODOME (rest of U.S. on fire)
WE NEED PUPPETS! AND JOKES!

(Ed: then Nick draws Park Slope (coop) connected to Berkeley (compost) by a long arching hamster tube, underneath which are guns, fire, and skulls. I can’t reproduce it.)

***

PAGE 5

AUNT GRANNY: SEXUAL UBERMENSCH
-pantsuits
-aviators
-smoking a pipe
-advanced audio-visual room
-sometimes really into cooking
-george foreman grill

(Ed:

and

there it is.)

***

PAGE 6

Dad owns oxygen supply company
-oxygen tanks
-and nitrogen

***

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Fuck it: The Literalist Poems

Because there’s no way I’m going to bother to do anything with these before I leave.

The Literalist Poems
written by me: Jessica Madison

1)Manifesto:
A Manifesto is something you put at the beginning so you can tell everyone.

2)Halloween:
Halloween was such a long time ago, and yet, not that long ago.

3)The Sun:.
The sun will not die for at least a while.

4)I’m so sorry:
I’m really sorry.

5)Him:
At least we’re better than He is.

6)Halloween 2:
Halloween was about five months ago, both a long and a short time.

7)Are:
You guys Presbyterian?

8)Chicken Soup:
When there’s chicken in that soup, it’s chicken soup.

9)The Rain:
I hate that rain.

10)Note to Jessica:
This is a note to say that I went to the coffee shop.

11)The Note:
It’s nice to get a note.

12)I’m trying to move this person:
Excuse me. Could you move?

14)All Natural:
That means it actually happened.

15)Chicken Soup 2:
There’s chicken in that soup.

16)Man Hats:
I’d say we’ve seen five so far.

17)Dear God:
I agree with everything you’ve been saying.

18)Actually:
Means it actually happened.

19)Abstracts:
Except for…

20)Blood:
That’s blood!

For more information regarding The Literalist Movement, contact your local blogging chapter.

I don’t know if y’all heard about me…

…but today I was at long last invited by Ye Olde Peace Corps’s to join them in a twenty-seven month Mongolian Engagement.

This means that this blog is about to get Real Differn’t Real Soon.

Now begins the Last Days of America for me.

The Next Two Months:

LOBSTERFEST Y’ALL.

FEUD ALERT.

THIS IS A EMERGENCY BLOG FEUD ALERT.
The instigator? False”Jessica Madison

Some Facts about “Jessica Madison”

-also answers to “Jessica ‘TJ Maxx’ Madison” and “Jessica Miller”
-can be seen as “The Girlfriend,” “Volleyball Teammate,” “Cheerleader (Uncredited),” and “Herself” in a variety of film and television programs, including “White Men Can’t Dance,” “Gene Simmons Family Jewels,” “The Tyra Banks Show” and “T.J. Maxx”
-down 31% in popularity in popularity this week
-has exceeded her photobucket bandwidth

Here she is, just hanging out, making some girls trends.

And did you know she was in a TJ Maxx commercial?

“Had a ball performing in live TJ Maxx commercials around all the hotspots of LA yesterday: The girls and I were miked up and dressed to the 9’s and re-enacted the TJ Maxx commercials that are currently airing nationwide. One of those days where I could say, only in LA!!”
(quote borrowed without consent from jessicamadison.blogspot.com)


None of these girls is a Jessica Madison.

In this video on Youtube.com, Jessica Madison, Winner of this blog’s 2011 Worst American Jessica Madison Award, explains how she slaps Clairol on her lying-ass hair in the same hasty manner that she slapped Madison on her lying-ass Miller.

JK JUST JOSHING GIRL, YOU KNOW ME.

I’m Jessica Madison.

Definition: “Selfing”

Hi! Jessica Madison here to talk to you about “Selfing,” a hot new trend alert as identified by me, Jessica Madison.

Self·ing:
[self]
noun, selfed
1. The act of a person, animal, or thing that selfs.
2. The act of extensively modifying and/or contemplating a reproduction of one’s own image for allegedly artistic purposes.
3. The kinetic manifestation of tautological narcissism.

“Woosh! I can’t believe I selfed so hard last night. I hope nobody borrows my computer and sees the 24 versions of that black and white image of myself inside a giant birdcage that I was going to use as an author photo.”

“Hey, let’s do something fun tonight!”
“Like what?”
“Oh, I dunno, how about I bring over some white wine, we can make a light dinner, maybe sit at the kitchen table and record/replay our witty banter on your iphone.”
“Yeah, it’s a good night for co-selfing.”

“I think I’m going to watch this video of myself as I’m posting it to my blog and then I think I’m going to talk about doing it as I’m doing it. Nobody selfs like I do. Nobody. I hope everybody sees this.”

And with that I give you…

SMOKEY MOUTH (directed and edited by Nick Sumida)

“Oh! I’m sorry, I just selfed all over you. Here, let me help you clean that up.”

(Jessica Madison became a fan of Jessica Madison and suggests that you become a fan of Jessica Madison too.)